Vol. 4, Issue 11: Don't Let Go First
What The Disney Rule For Hugging Reminded Me About Emotional Intelligence, Connection and Humanity
I’m not a Disney adult*.
*I go back and forth on this. On the one hand, these are artful movies with deep storylines, intelligent writing and enjoyable songs. On the other hand, they’re cartoons made for children. Not to yuck anyone’s yum
That’s likely not a surprise to anyone reading this, but there’s a few reasons for this. First, over time I’ve developed pretty bad motion sickness, so when I’m in the parks, I basically can’t go on any rides anymore - unless they’re like the cruise through the jungle or whatever that goes 2 miles per hour - and let’s not forget that it’s like $1000 to take a family of 4 there.
Second, I watched so many Disney movies so many times with my kids when they were little that I have very little appetite to do it now. Third, I’ve worked in media and advertising for so long that I’ve gone the other way completely on content consumption (in that I consume very little). My attention span has shortened so significantly that any movie over 90 minutes takes me at least 2 sittings to get through.
And finally, I tend to index away from anything that people get super obsessed with.*
*The lone exception to this is, apparently, Sabrina Carpenter, who I can watch over and over on Instagram and might pass out if I ever met her in person
However, because I’m a good father (translation: I’m soft and fold to my kids too often), I have taken them to the parks in the past. We went a few times when they were smaller. We were at the Animal Kingdom* in Orlando back in December. These are long days that almost always result in a meltdown (by me) or a giant fight of some kind. It’s like walking through an IKEA on Valentine’s Day. You’re just begging for something confrontational to happen.
*I wish I were joking, but we went to get on the line for the Avatar ride and the wait was 280 minutes. ALMOST 5 HOURS to get on a 90 second ride. I’ll be honest: I aspire to that level of patience for literally anything
Here’s the thing about being a kid, even in today’s world: you’re never really in charge of anything.* You go to school and teachers tell you what to do and where to go and then you go home and your parents do the same - eat your vegetables, do your homework, go to dance/soccer/gymnastics/art/music class, go to bed, etc.
It used to be that kids were at least in charge of their free time, but there isn’t much free time to be had these days.
*I constantly tell my children that I do not negotiate with terrorists
And as I was going through the research to book my Animal Kingdom excursion, I stumbled on a rule that Disney has their costumed characters follow. If a child hugs a costumed character, the characters are trained not to let go of the hug until the child does. At first, it struck me as strange. Something about it felt… off. I couldn’t put my finger on why. I couldn’t put my finger on why, though. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized: it’s not wrong at all. In fact, it’s extraordinarily right. It’s quietly profound. That simple rule puts the emotional pacing in the hands of the child. Not the adult, not the performer, not the park schedule, not the line of guests behind them. The child.
Let’s talk about emotional intelligence. Because that hug rule? That’s EQ in action.
I think generally a lot of people mistake EQ for being something that’s supposed to be soft or warm or fuzzy. That’s really not it at all. EQ is about reading the emotional cues of others, understanding their unspoken needs and honoring their energy in that moment. And what I came to realize as I thought about it is that the Disney rule is a masterclass in EQ. It’s about attunement (staying with someone until they feel complete), empathy (not pulling away because you’re feeling done) and permission (letting others decide when it’s time to move on).
Think about it: how often do you let go too soon? How often do you cut short real connection for whatever reason? Perhaps by changing the subject because the emotion got too heavy. Perhaps by not being attuned to the energy of the other person who is still reaching out. Sometimes we do this to others and sometimes we do it to ourselves, but leaving the moment before it’s fully landed does a disservice to all parties.
I think of EQ as the tool that helps calibrate all of this. EQ is knowing how to show up differently for different people. Reading and understanding their energy and meeting people where they’re at, which in turn allows them to meet you where you’re at. In the same way that the Disney Hug Rule is designed to read a child’s energy and respond to them in kind, the development of your EQ allows you to read the room or the person, to feel when someone needs more time to process or that they’re forcing an emotion. The best leaders are emotionally intelligent enough to read energy, sense unspoken cues, and stay present until the team, the moment, or the person is ready to move forward.
Good leaders know when to act. Great leaders know when to pause. And the real skill, the real importance of that pause is being able to sit in the emotion - the discomfort, the joy, the feeling of loss, whatever - until it’s done. It’s staying with your kid when they’re melting down, or with a friend who can’t quite name what they’re feeling but needs to know that someone is with them. It’s hanging with your employee while they process. In nearly every case, it's not fixing. It's not pushing forward. It’s simply not letting go too soon.
Sometimes, the most human thing we can do is just stay: in the hug, in the silence or in the story.
The Disney hug rule gets this right.
Because that rule says: I’ll stay with you. You decide when it’s time to let go.
And honestly? That’s the kind of presence we all need more of - in leadership, in parenting, in friendship, in life.
OK, friends, I’m back with some exciting news. We’re in the process of recording two new podcasts:
“Leadership In …” will feature Greg MacDonald (of Chelsea Strategies and I in conversation with leaders in the advertising, media and technology space about what it means to lead - both as part of a company that leads in its space and personal leadership narratives
“Beta-Tested” will feature dear friend and host Stacy Bohrer in conversation with women in technology around various topics - motherhood in the workplace, entrepreneurship, being a woman in the boardroom.
I’m extremely excited for both. Both launching in the fall post-Labor Day. More to come on both of these.
That’s all for this week, friends. Until next time.